Month: July 2015

Cloak of Shame

I have become very aware of feelings of shame recently. Everywhere I look in my life I see shame. I walk among “normal” people, however it can feel like I have a cloak of shame hanging over me. Others may not see it but I certainly experience its effect.

 

 

© northernrose17 and A Therapeutic Art Journey, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to northernrose17 and A Therapeutic Art Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

A Representation Of My Mind

I started this picture a few months back when feeling irritable. I recognised bits of things in my head but could not understand the whole picture of what I was feeling or what the bits I did recognise meant. This picture is an attempt to express this experience.

© northernrose17 and A Therapeutic Art Journey, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to northernrose17 and A Therapeutic Art Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Internalize/Externalize

I was feeling overwhelmed with feelings of anger. I decided that putting paint on canvas was a good idea to help manage and express how I was feeling. My therapist has encouraged me to externalise anger and so I decided to depict this concept.

© northernrose17 and A Therapeutic Art Journey, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to northernrose17 and A Therapeutic Art Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Speak

In all aspects of society, we are expected to speak to one another, whether it be our family, friends, colleagues, officials, or persons we wish do business with. When speaking doesn’t come easy, for example due to anxiety, lack of confidence or autism, one can feel alone and different to other people. I often experience myself as the pink person in this image, alone and different. The feelings which go with this image are anger, fear and sadness.

© northernrose17 and A Therapeutic Art Journey, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to northernrose17 and A Therapeutic Art Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

IVF

I have recently started preparing for another IVF attempt, and found that a lot of feelings wanted to emerge about the past and the future, and so I decided to allow those feelings and thoughts to be felt and expressed by creating this picture. The image depicts the dream, my fears, previous losses, and the process.

Some of this post may be upsetting to anyone who has experienced miscarriage or stillbirth.

The woman is me. The necklace I am wearing is a momento from my first pregnancy. It’s an acorn and is inscribed “bean”. The pale blue is the stone colour associated with March, when Bean would have been due. The three circles on my arm represent my second pregnancy. To mark this pregnancy I created three different knitted lace circles to represent each sac.

The consent for cremation is something I signed both times at the hospital. This meant that the remains would be blessed and cremated at the local crematorium, and not treated as a waste product.

The picture above depicts my manager at my former job and a hospital worker. On my return to work following my first miscarriage, I was told I had to do something extremely anxiety provoking every day going forward and two days later the redundancy process started. My manager was the executor rather than the person ultimately responsible in both cases however he did nothing to support me.  During my second miscarriage the care I received from the hospital was not good enough. Firstly they refused to induce the miscarriage on my first visit and insisted I continue the pregnancy another week despite the fact it was 100% certain that the pregnancy was not viable. Secondly, when I was induced, one of the nurses kept wanting to send me home despite my severe anxiety. And thirdly, when I returned to the hospital, I was left in the waiting room for two hours waiting to sign the cremation consent form. On each visit to the hospital I had to walk past a display of new baby gifts. I continue to feel anger and grief at the losses and how I was treated.

The top left picture shows the Fostimon injection. This is a daily injection done by myself to grow the eggs.

The crossed out mug represents having to give up my favourite caffeinated and sugared drinks.

The top right picture shows an Embryoscope. This is a new tool which will likely be used in my next attempt. Instead of moving embryos and looking at them once a day, the embryos remain in the embryoscope which photographs them every five minutes. The embryologists then view a time lapse video of the developing embryos in order to identify which ones are more likely to result in successful pregnancies.

The lady in the lotus position depicts the need for me to meditate daily during this process in order to try and reduce my anxiety and stress levels.

The final picture represents the healthy eating which I have just started.

The words in the blue ovals are the tests carried out before or during the IVF process.

The words in the yellow ovals are the supplements and drugs being used during my next attempt.

 

© northernrose17 and A Therapeutic Art Journey, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to northernrose17 and A Therapeutic Art Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

A Bewildered Child Left Behind

 

I felt unsure what to call this sketch. It depicts me as a child feeling abandoned, bewildered, alone and full of shame. The first adult is my ex-manager who made me redundant. I’m no longer wanted at my old job and I’m expected to be able to go out and get another job on my own. The second adult is a friend I met at a mental health drop-in. She befriended me, messaged me frequently and has now pulled away, leaving me alone again. I’m supposed to be able to go out and make friends myself. The third adult is my therapist. She’s decided not to reduce fees for me as a long term unemployed person. She suggested we meet less often instead. Her world appears near perfect from the outside. I feel full of shame for how I am. I feel others are exiting my life leaving me alone and stuck. I refuse to embrace adulthood because it’s too frightening.

© northernrose17 and A Therapeutic Art Journey, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to northernrose17 and A Therapeutic Art Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.