I have recently started preparing for another IVF attempt, and found that a lot of feelings wanted to emerge about the past and the future, and so I decided to allow those feelings and thoughts to be felt and expressed by creating this picture. The image depicts the dream, my fears, previous losses, and the process.
Some of this post may be upsetting to anyone who has experienced miscarriage or stillbirth.
The woman is me. The necklace I am wearing is a momento from my first pregnancy. It’s an acorn and is inscribed “bean”. The pale blue is the stone colour associated with March, when Bean would have been due. The three circles on my arm represent my second pregnancy. To mark this pregnancy I created three different knitted lace circles to represent each sac.
The consent for cremation is something I signed both times at the hospital. This meant that the remains would be blessed and cremated at the local crematorium, and not treated as a waste product.
The picture above depicts my manager at my former job and a hospital worker. On my return to work following my first miscarriage, I was told I had to do something extremely anxiety provoking every day going forward and two days later the redundancy process started. My manager was the executor rather than the person ultimately responsible in both cases however he did nothing to support me. During my second miscarriage the care I received from the hospital was not good enough. Firstly they refused to induce the miscarriage on my first visit and insisted I continue the pregnancy another week despite the fact it was 100% certain that the pregnancy was not viable. Secondly, when I was induced, one of the nurses kept wanting to send me home despite my severe anxiety. And thirdly, when I returned to the hospital, I was left in the waiting room for two hours waiting to sign the cremation consent form. On each visit to the hospital I had to walk past a display of new baby gifts. I continue to feel anger and grief at the losses and how I was treated.
The top left picture shows the Fostimon injection. This is a daily injection done by myself to grow the eggs.
The crossed out mug represents having to give up my favourite caffeinated and sugared drinks.
The top right picture shows an Embryoscope. This is a new tool which will likely be used in my next attempt. Instead of moving embryos and looking at them once a day, the embryos remain in the embryoscope which photographs them every five minutes. The embryologists then view a time lapse video of the developing embryos in order to identify which ones are more likely to result in successful pregnancies.
The lady in the lotus position depicts the need for me to meditate daily during this process in order to try and reduce my anxiety and stress levels.
The final picture represents the healthy eating which I have just started.
The words in the blue ovals are the tests carried out before or during the IVF process.
The words in the yellow ovals are the supplements and drugs being used during my next attempt.
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