I am moving ahead with IVF using a donor egg and donor sperm. I have recently gone through the process of selecting an egg donor and have found it unexpectedly difficult. After excluding donors who did not match the physical characteristics I preferred and those who triggered difficult feelings due to my longstanding issues, I exhausted the egg bank’s population. It was a case of accepting a compromise or waiting for a perfect match to appear. I have selected an egg donor who doesn’t match my preferred physical characteristics. Like many potential parents, I would like my child to share some physical characteristics with me. I have brown hair and hazel eyes. The egg donor has red hair and blue eyes. The sperm donor has blue/green eyes so there is a high probability that any conceived child would have blue eyes. I’m particularly hung up on the eye colour, even though nothing is guaranteed regardless of the donor’s eye colours. I am working towards acceptance of potentially having a child that shares few physical characteristics with myself. What I have done though is to choose two wonderful donors that I would liked to have been my parents.
The painting shows me with my arm around a child conceived of the donors I have selected, my arm around the child portraying acceptance of this child. The donors are depicted at the top. They will always be a distant but present part of our lives, and maybe in the future we will meet.
I shared this image with my therapist a few days ago and immediately cried. Sharing this image has brought me face to face with a child that does not look like me. It has brought my emotion to the surface in a healthy way and enabled me to feel the emotional pain.
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