Scared

scared_small

I’m dealing with multiple difficult issues at the moment and to top it all, I just received a re-assessment form for my state benefits. The threat of losing some or all of the financial assistance I receive is worrying me and propelling me towards more suicidal thoughts. So I decided to externalise my worries on canvas as doing something creative may help to soothe me and may create a little distance between myself and my thoughts and feelings.

The smaller text in the picture reads:

My father will come and get me

I will be told off

I will die because there is no other solution to the difficulties.

I wont live in a nice house again.

I wont ever have a child.

No one will help me.

 I will lose my home.

I will become homeless.

Birthday and Christmas without presents will be too painful.

I wont have a family again.

I wont fulfil my potential.

I wont be able to share all of me.

I will lose my benefits.

I wont ever be able to afford a cat.

I wont ever have a close female friend.

No one will love me.

I will never hold a baby.

I wont be able to be a good Mum.

I wont be able to do paid work again.

I will be judged condemned by the rest of my family because they don’t know my story.

I will be plagued by anxiety for the rest of my life.

© northernrose17 and A Therapeutic Art Journey, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to northernrose17 and A Therapeutic Art Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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7 comments

  1. I’m always inspired by your knack for writing about your process. In this case, “I decided to externalise my worries on canvas as doing something creative may help to soothe me and may create a little distance between myself and my thoughts and feelings” is instructive. I’m sorry you’ve had so many worry thoughts recently and hope things get better soon. I can relate to many (all?) of those thoughts which have arisen and subsided for me at various times. I can also relate to the stress of the unknown with the government pension. Sending you my best wishes. A.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I LOVE the colors you used in your painting. Then to see the word “scared” was just such a contrast to the calming colors. It just made me thinks that even through the words of fear may come a calm. I hope the benefits don’t stop and get resolved!

    Liked by 1 person

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