self-harm

I’m Sorry

Im Sorry_small

For many years, my inner controlling and punitive parent hurt my inner child. It was only through therapy that I learned that I was hurting myself and gradually stopped. I didn’t mean to hurt myself; it was one of those unhealthy adaptions to childhood situations. As part of my maternity care I encountered an older woman who behaved like a controlling parent towards me, and this triggered my inner child feeling the pain of what I did to her. Through therapy I have developed a more healthy nurturing inner parent and that inner parent has felt a strong urge to say sorry to my inner child. Pictured is nurturing parent me saying sorry to child me. I am sorry for what I did to myself.

 

© northernrose17 and A Therapeutic Art Journey, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to northernrose17 and A Therapeutic Art Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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I am Hurting

After months of preparation, I went ahead with my donor egg IVF. Embryo replacement was scheduled to take place yesterday, only the treatment failed with no viable embryos created. I initially sat with my grief, working on a painting to help me process the situation, however last night the emotions became intense and so I decided to express them on a canvas. I didn’t plan this piece of art. I simply depicted what was coming up at the time. As you can see, there has been a lot of anger and emotional pain, but it was positive to let my feelings out in this way.

© northernrose17 and A Therapeutic Art Journey, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to northernrose17 and A Therapeutic Art Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fuck Off I’m Doing IVF

 

Whilst writing a flame letter to my therapist after she left a triggering treat on her website, a part of me emerged who wanted to fight for me and my IVF dream. This part says Fuck Off, I’m doing IVF. So here I am, lashing out against the challenges which accompany me as I go through IVF. The zigzags and crosses are my anger – I didn’t want to waste any canvas. The heart is the love that I deserve. I’m now off to burn the flame letter.

The smaller text in the image reads

Despite my financial worries

Despite my lack of money to provide for a baby

Despite nonsense postcards from my mother

Despite not having a job

Despite having little income

Despite having no practical support

Despite my therapist adding to my worries

Despite having a body full of stress hormones

Despite having thoughts of killing myself

Despite having intrusive thoughts

Despite having self harming thoughts

Despite problem chap not buggering off

Despite my head imagining spiders in my house

Despite people betraying confidences

Despite my stomach having been poorly for weeks

Despite my house being in a rubbish state

Despite not having done fertility yoga

© northernrose17 and A Therapeutic Art Journey, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to northernrose17 and A Therapeutic Art Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Me: A Blob Of Negativity

My mood descended into a not good state. I felt like a blob of negativity so decided to depict it. I went with bright colours despite the low mood because they represent the energy in my feelings. Although obviously a negative image to create, creating it has been helpful because it has interrupted and slowed down the negative thoughts. Also, saying these things about myself so bluntly has triggered thoughts that some of the negative statements about myself are not entirely true, which is obviously a positive. 

© northernrose17 and A Therapeutic Art Journey, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to northernrose17 and A Therapeutic Art Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Hitting Myself With a Tray

 

When experiencing destructive thoughts and feelings towards myself, I had thoughts of whacking myself on my forehead with a tray. Rather than carry out the urge, I decided to try drawing it instead. This helped me to manage the urge.

 © northernrose17 and A Therapeutic Art Journey, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to northernrose17 and A Therapeutic Art Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

With My Hands

Following It’s a Secret, my mind was busy with wanting to express self-harm through my art. With the thought of using my hands to harm myself, these words popped out and had to be committed to art.

© northernrose17 and A Therapeutic Art Journey, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to northernrose17 and A Therapeutic Art Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

It’s A Secret

It’s a Secret was created following a conversation at a drop-in. Someone directly asked another person what their mental health issue was, which isn’t generally a done thing among service users. The person asked shared their story and I was surprised to hear more commonalities with my issues than I expected. They also said that previously they wouldn’t have felt comfortable sharing the details with people. That got me thinking that actually, I am not comfortable in sharing my symptoms with other people. The word “secret” could be exchanged with “private”. The reality is that people can appear fine, but actually, they are experiencing difficult symptoms. I experience anxiety, fear and shame when I think of sharing this picture, but I want to share it because it raises important questions and awareness of mental health issues.

© northernrose17 and A Therapeutic Art Journey, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to northernrose17 and A Therapeutic Art Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.