suicidal thoughts

Scared

scared_small

I’m dealing with multiple difficult issues at the moment and to top it all, I just received a re-assessment form for my state benefits. The threat of losing some or all of the financial assistance I receive is worrying me and propelling me towards more suicidal thoughts. So I decided to externalise my worries on canvas as doing something creative may help to soothe me and may create a little distance between myself and my thoughts and feelings.

The smaller text in the picture reads:

My father will come and get me

I will be told off

I will die because there is no other solution to the difficulties.

I wont live in a nice house again.

I wont ever have a child.

No one will help me.

 I will lose my home.

I will become homeless.

Birthday and Christmas without presents will be too painful.

I wont have a family again.

I wont fulfil my potential.

I wont be able to share all of me.

I will lose my benefits.

I wont ever be able to afford a cat.

I wont ever have a close female friend.

No one will love me.

I will never hold a baby.

I wont be able to be a good Mum.

I wont be able to do paid work again.

I will be judged condemned by the rest of my family because they don’t know my story.

I will be plagued by anxiety for the rest of my life.

© northernrose17 and A Therapeutic Art Journey, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to northernrose17 and A Therapeutic Art Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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Fuck Off I’m Doing IVF

 

Whilst writing a flame letter to my therapist after she left a triggering treat on her website, a part of me emerged who wanted to fight for me and my IVF dream. This part says Fuck Off, I’m doing IVF. So here I am, lashing out against the challenges which accompany me as I go through IVF. The zigzags and crosses are my anger – I didn’t want to waste any canvas. The heart is the love that I deserve. I’m now off to burn the flame letter.

The smaller text in the image reads

Despite my financial worries

Despite my lack of money to provide for a baby

Despite nonsense postcards from my mother

Despite not having a job

Despite having little income

Despite having no practical support

Despite my therapist adding to my worries

Despite having a body full of stress hormones

Despite having thoughts of killing myself

Despite having intrusive thoughts

Despite having self harming thoughts

Despite problem chap not buggering off

Despite my head imagining spiders in my house

Despite people betraying confidences

Despite my stomach having been poorly for weeks

Despite my house being in a rubbish state

Despite not having done fertility yoga

© northernrose17 and A Therapeutic Art Journey, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to northernrose17 and A Therapeutic Art Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

IVF III

 

Those of you who follow my other blog (NorthernRose’s Ramblings) will know that I recently experienced a third IVF failure. I have felt the presence of unexpressed pain about the experience and outcome. This morning I have felt ready to do something artistic in order to have healthy contact with the pain and allow some of it to come out. I have basically drawn the experience. At present, everything connected to the IVF attempt feels uncomfortable but hopefully in time, a separate and happier relationship with meditation, particular foods, swimming, the music I was listening to and the crafts I was doing, will be restored.

 

© northernrose17 and A Therapeutic Art Journey, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to northernrose17 and A Therapeutic Art Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Me: A Blob Of Negativity

My mood descended into a not good state. I felt like a blob of negativity so decided to depict it. I went with bright colours despite the low mood because they represent the energy in my feelings. Although obviously a negative image to create, creating it has been helpful because it has interrupted and slowed down the negative thoughts. Also, saying these things about myself so bluntly has triggered thoughts that some of the negative statements about myself are not entirely true, which is obviously a positive. 

© northernrose17 and A Therapeutic Art Journey, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to northernrose17 and A Therapeutic Art Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

I Want To Live

I have been feeling very low recently and the voice in my head has kept saying that I want my life to end. However I am aware that somewhere deep down there is a little part of me that does want to stick around. This image acknowledges the presence of the bit that wants to live. It also illustrates an experience of depression. 

© northernrose17 and A Therapeutic Art Journey, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to northernrose17 and A Therapeutic Art Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

I See A Way Forward

A recent wobble resulted in my feeling particularly fragile and brought suicidal thoughts with it. After seeking support I started to see things I could do to improve my situation. I saw a way forward. Here I am in a desert beginning the trek from the darkness of night (where the suicidal thoughts live) towards the lighter place of day.

© northernrose17 and A Therapeutic Art Journey, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to northernrose17 and A Therapeutic Art Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Dare

This was another case of the words just coming to me. The words are a challenging response to suicidal thoughts.

© northernrose17 and A Therapeutic Art Journey, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to northernrose17 and A Therapeutic Art Journey with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.